tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 21, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST
weather this week. near 70 on christmas eve, 60 on christmas day. it goes on and on. >> you wanted us to laugh when you called yourself a geek.>> no, when i said that winter started weeks ago. have a good night. ns cbs >> stephen: welcome, everybody! welcome to "the late show." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thanks, everybody. thank you so much.
) welcome to "the late show." thank so much! thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." it's so wonderful to have you all here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i want to address-- thank you very much. i want to address something right off the bean at the top of the show. you may have heard that our friend justin beiber was supposed to be on the show tonight. unfortunately, justin had to postpone his appearance for personal reasons. i hope everything's okay. no, no. listen, whatever it is. we hope everything is okay. he did the right thing and he tweeted to my show's twitter account this: "my apologies to @colbertlateshow as i won't be able to make it to n.y.c. tomorrow for the show. i look forward to making it up to you soon."
no, no, no, he's canadian. so-- ( laughter ) when he says he's "sohrry," i believe him. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) no! it's a sacred-- that is a sacred trust in canada. so i believe him. more than that-- i belieb him. i trust in justin. and he tweeted to me personally: "@stephenathome, thank you for the understanding as sometimes life kicks our ass, and we need to deal with it. i will see u soon. thank you." thank you, justin. happy thanksgiving. ( cheers and applause ) you know, a lot of the justin's followers out there-- yeah, we don't know. hope everything is okay. a lot of justin's followers wait their whole lives for a tweet memorialize this, i'm going to have my iphone bronzed.
my sacred vow to you-- even though we have been de-biebered, we have a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, that's nice. wow, wow, that is a powerful force to call upon. i didn't realize y'all were ready to go to war at any time. first up, i'll be sitting down with oscar-winning director spike lee. ( cheers and applause ) is it the shoes? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: nobody-- nobody tell spike. he thinks he's at a knicks game right now. and i'll be talking to bravo's amazing andy cohen. those of you in the know, know that he is the ban ki-moon of
but if nee-nee asks, he was not here, and i only didn't invite her because i thought kendra might come, and i do not have time for the drama. then i'll be talking with legendary singer-songwriter carly simon. cheers and applause ) mock-ing-bird. carly's got a new memoir, and she's so vain i bet she thinks that book is about her. don't you! don't you! that sound right there, ladies and gentlemen, is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) they're about to do that thing. but before they do it, one more thing: a driver's ed teacher in florida was charged with a d.u.i. though, to be fair, that is the
florida. ( band playing "late show" theme ) tonight, stephen welcomes spike lee. bravo's andy cohen. and a musical performance by carly simon. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you very much. >> stephen!
stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's nice. ) that's entirely pleasant. thank you so much. thanks, everybody. please. cheers and applause ) me, too. i am also "woo." because we're just two days from thanksgiving and i want to take this time to mention something laughter ) because he gives all of us on tv something to talk about. he's all over the newscasts, he was on "s.n.l.." about ( cheers and applause ) but now-- but now trump is getting a lot of heat for something he said
to the attacks on 9-11. >> hey, i watched when the world trade center came tumbling down. and i watched in jersey city, new jersey, where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. >> you know, the police say that didn't happen, and all those rumors have been on the internet for some time. so, did you mis-speak yesterday? >> it did happen. i saw it. there were people over in new jersey that were watching it, a heavy arab population, that were cheering as the buildings came down. not good. >> stephen: no, not good. also, not true. cheers and applause ) but if it was, he was apparently the only person who ever saw it, because "there is no evidence the alleged celebration ever took place," and i had my crack footage team look for it. nothing. i got to tell you, my guys are
it instantly. here's a challenge: can you guys find a woman giving a psychic reading to a possum? ( humming ) >> yes. >> stephen: boom! two possums! ( cheers and applause ) and yet, trump claims he saw it. and he has evidence. >> donald trump will be speaking here in just a few minutes. he called me late today to once again defend his claims, telling me that although he doesn't remember where exactly he saw that video, he does know he saw it, because he has "the world's greatest memory." ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's right, that's right. he can't remember exactly where he saw that video, but he can remember that he has the world's greatest memory. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
perfect memory of the past. when it comes to the terror threats facing our country, he can also see into the future. >> i wrote a book in 2000, and in the book i mentioned osama bin laden. i said, "bad guy, he is going to do damage to our country, and we better do something to stop him." i said, "osama bin laden's going to try to come in and do some big damage." don't forget, in my book, written in 2000, i was the one that predicted osama bin laden was trouble. if you read the book, it says, "osama bin laden!" >> stephen: yes, trump predicted that osama bin laden was threatening america, all the way back in the year 2000-- the same year bin laden was linked to the bombing of the u.s.s. "cole," and only two years after bin laden was indicted for the embassy bombings in tanzania and kenya, and only seven years after bin laden was implicated in the 1993 world trade center bombing. that's spooky. it's like trump has some kind of fifth sense that lets him see what's in newspapers and on tvs. (
) wooo-ooo. and nostra-donald's not the only one with this power. tonight, ladies and gentlemen, i will attempt to predict... the predictable! ( cheers and applause ) i will now commune with the occult powers, so that i may know the known! yes, something's coming, something's coming. next year, there will be an iphone 7. ( laughter ) and-- and then, right after that, an iphone 7s, which will be almost exactly the same, but, for some reason, you will buy
) i'm getting something. something cold. a frozen yogurt shop in your neighborhood will open, and close within the next year. ( laughter ) author james patterson will publish a book that may be purchased at the airport. ( laughter ) let's kick this up a notch. hold on one second. yes, yes. oh, yes. that's-- the weather is about to get colder, followed by a warming trend in the spring, and then a heat wave in the summer. ( laughter ) "the hunger games: mockingjay, part 2" will be playing this friday at the times square amc cheers and applause
peace in the middle east is-- pretty darn unlikely. ( laughter ) stephen colbert will lose his fortune cookie prop. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and then he will find it moments later. let's see here. let's see here, yes. yes, yes. oh, yes. oh, hold on. yes. crowds will continue to be easy to pander to, especially here in new york city, the greatest city in the world. ( loud cheers and applause ) ( laughter
no matter what he says or does, donald trump will still do pretty well in the polls. whoa. oh, oh, my god. i was in a trance there for a while. excuse me. that is hard. i don't see how donald trump keeps doing it. you know i wonder if donald is getting help from that psychic possum on his head. ( humming ) >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be right back with spike lee. ( band playing ) real? you know i'm real! at discover, we're always here to talk. good, 'cause i don't have time for machines. some companies just
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and the people you want to be with. helping people get rides around your city is easy. just tap, and go. and only you decide when to call it a day. start making money for the things that matter to you. sign up now at (uber.com/drivenow) band playing ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the oscar- winning director of such films as "do the right thing" and "malcolm x." his new film is called "chi- raq." >> i'm down for the cause, but how?
peace by knock the boots! >> you really think something like that could bring peace? >> you all know the power we have over them withholding just a day. a week? imagine a month. a year! oh, they gonna bring the peace! >> suppose, suppose that the men just dump us. >> if we all hold out, who can they go to? >> them 'hoes over there. >> we will enlist them, too. >> we want our men alive. we want our babies to thrive, we gonna have to organize. >> stephen: please welcome spike lee. ( cheers and applause ) (
) >> you know, i made a special request. my father wrote that song, that's the theme from "mo better blues." thank you for playing it. beautiful. the movie, "mo better blues." because he was in "red hook summer," one of your films. >> yes, yes, yes, and he is one of new orleans' greatest. >> stephen: he's amazing. he's amazing. >> keeping that jazz tradition alive in new orleans. >> stephen: for those of you-- out there, for those of you who need a little education, you are a writer, producer, director, actor, known for "she's got a habit," "school days," "do the right thing," "jungle fever," "malcolm x," "inside man" and "old boy." >> right. >> stephen: you're so prolific, you've made-- >> oh, you left out something. >> stephen: what did i leave out? >> i'm a tenured professor at the n.y.u. graduate film school. >> stephen: oh, really? ( cheers and applause ) a tenured professor. >> tenured. >> stephen: that means you can get away with almost anything. >> they can't fire me! ( laughs ) >> stephen: let's test that tonight, spike. ( laughter
the new film is called "chi-raq." which is a combination of chicago and iraq. >> yes. >> stephen: why that combo? >> well, you have to ask-- i mean, really, i did not come up with that name. local chicago rappers came up with that name, who felt that-- not all chicago-- but the south side of chicago, is a war zone. and so they feel-- probably even today-- that it's safer in iraq than it is on the south side of chicago. >> stephen: well, the stats on that are: since 2001, more than iraq and afghanistan combined. >> right. root of this violence? what is causing it? >> well, it's many different things. but i think that, one thing i really hope people come out of the film, when they see it, is that we have to have a real discussion about guns in this country. i'm not talking about taking away anybody's second amendment rights, but there are certain things we can do. tougher background checks.
tight. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. and i would say many people-- members of the n.r.a., agree with this stuff. chicago is a very, very tight gun control law, but you go-- you get in the car, 20 minutes, half an hour, you're in indiana. >> stephen: the film takes its plot from the greek comedy "lysistrata." >> satire, written in 411 b.c. by aristophanes. >> stephen: okay, tell the people what happens in that one. >> well, for those who didn't take english-- greek literature, the play is about a character named lysistrata, who is tired of war in greece, so she gets women together and says let's form a sex strike. let's withhold sex from our boyfriends, husbands, male acquaintances and make them put-- not guns back then-- put the spears down, knives,
>> stephen: and no sex until the war is over. >> yes. and there's a woman named-- i always forget-- i mispronounce the last name, leymah gbowee, she won a nobel peace prize in early 2000 because she used that same tactic in liberia and it stopped the second civil war. she won a nobel peace prize for that. so, it can-- >> stephen: do you think that would work in chicago? because i understand there's one woman in chicago, from just seeing the trailer, who actually started a sex strike. >> she's up to 37 people. and-- ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: wow, what a compliment to you. >> i'd like to say this: with what's happening on college campuses today-- you know, with what happened at the university of missouri where the football players got together and said unless the president resigns, they weren't going to play, i think that, that could really-- a sex strike could really work on college campuses where there's an abundance of sexual harassment and date rapes, that's-- a college campus,
work. second semester, it's going to happen. ( cheers and applause ) once people come back from christmas, there are going to be sex strikes at universities and colleges across this country. i believe it. >> stephen: well, you've got some amazing cast in this. samuel l. jackson is in this. >> yes. >> stephen: what's it like to direct samuel l. jackson? >> i don't. i say, "are you ready, mr. jackson?" "yes, spike." "action!" >> stephen: tomorrow-- there is actually a video that's coming out, in chicago. >> i think it's coming out today. >> stephen: today? >> yes. >> stephen: of a young man named laquan mcdonald who was shot by police, and the police officer-- >> one officer. >> stephen: what? >> one officer. >> stephen: one officer, and he has been indicted, for the shooting. some people were against this video being released, the dash- cam video, it's being released today.
better to see the event, even if can incite a violent reaction? because people are very worried about this video being released. >> right. i think that, number one, they're worried because they think black folks of chicago are going to run amok, and i don't know that that's necessarily so. i think there is a way of having peaceful demonstrations without tearing stuff up. that's what i feel. and i got that from father pflegler in chicago. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i hope you're right. i hope it is peaceful. >> i am hopeful that nothing crazy happens, but i'm glad that the tape is being released, because this is democracy, and i don't think we can pick and choose what america should see. >> stephen: i notice around your neck-- ( applause ) you've got a cross. >> yes. >> stephen: i noticed around your neck you've got a cross, and you also have another symbol. that is not a peace symbol. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: no, it's a mercedes symbol. ( laughter ) >> all right, which writer wrote
) >> stephen: thank you, spike. ( cheers and applause ) "chi-raq" is in theaters december 4. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) star light star bright, the first star i see tonight i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight wishes do come true. the lincoln wish list event is on. right now get exceptional offers on the entire lincoln family. for a limited time your choice of mkc, mkz gas or hybrid for $369 a month with
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! i'm afraid-- ( band playing ) we might have peaked during the commercial break. welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the emmy- and paebody-winning host of "watch what happens live" on bravo. his new show is called "then and now with andy cohen." >> were you surprised when you heard the verdict that o.j. was not guilty? >> i think everyone was shocked,
but the trial was such a circus, that i think all of us were expecting something ridiculous. >> i think people ruled with emotions, and history, rather than with evidence and science. >> this was like sex, death, murder, mystery, intrigue, like an american hero who had fallen. >> trials became very important to the television audience. "court tv" became a real force. >> our pre-occupation with the jodi arias' and casey anthony's and all the courtroom daytime syndicated series-- everything flew out of o.j. simpson. >> stephen: please welcome andy cohen. ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, stephen! >> stephen: hey, andy. >> how are you doing? >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> bieber cancels. i show up. happens every time. every time! ( cheers and applause
every time he cancels! >> stephen: i can't tell you two apart anymore. >> i know. he stole my haircut. >> stephen: i'm a fan of andy. i'm a fandy. >> i'm going to use that. >> stephen: i know you canceled your flight to go to st. louis to be here tonight. >> hopefully i will make it to >> stephen: that's where you're from, right? >> yes, i'm from st. louis, the great city of st. louis. >> stephen: what is it like? what are your family thanksgiving dinners like? are you tempted to throw some margaritas in the mix and a "watch what happens live?" >> it's no surprise i am who i am. my thanksgiving-- for me, thanksgiving is about watching my mom really give it to my dad for hacking the turkey up. she's like, "you're hacking it! you're hacking it!" so it's great. it's great entertainment for me. i love it. it's a show! >> stephen: you are the host of "watch what happens live." >> yes. >> stephen: executive producer of "the real housewives"
>> true. >> stephen: when are they going to rename it the andy network instead of the bravo network? >> actually got my own radio show called at sirius. i programmed it and i'm on it every day as well. >> stephen: you also have a book out in paperback now, called "the andy cohen diaries: a deep look at a shallow year." >> that is true. >> stephen: a year of your life. >> it's deep and shallow all at once. >> stephen: how are you so prolific and energetic at the same time? what is your moisturizer? >> la prairie. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: is that a real one? la prairie? like "little house on la prairie?" you're kidding. >> i am not. melissa sue anderson is the spokesperson. >> stephen: that's a reference even i don't get. >> i know! i was so proud of myself for that! >> stephen: as well you should be.
everything on bravo should make you proud. >> oh, it does. >> stephen: the amazing thing is not only are you someone who sort of sets our culture with the things you've done on bravo, but now you're talking about our history. >> yes. >> stephen: the new show is called "then and now." why do history on bravo, is it to go with all the geography lessons we've gotten with the locations of the housewives? >> yes, exactly. you can learn while you're judging the people on bravo. it's amazing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: what are the time periods we're going back to? >> every episode is a different year. the premiere on the 13th is 1994, and we look at the events of '94 and how they shaped what is happening today. >> stephen: that was o.j. >> yes, that was the o.j. trial. nancy kerrigan and tanya harding at the lillehammer olympics. things that happened in that year you don't realize in weird ways are affecting today. >> stephen: what is it like to go back-- are there things in your own life that you include or memories ?
in 1994 i was a producer at cbs news. >> stephen: you were a news producer? >> i was for 10 years, yes. this is the most journalistic thing i've done since i left the show "then and now." i've had a great time with it. i reflect on where i was, too, and what i was thinking. >> stephen: you-- you-- everybody-- one of the reasons i think people like you when they see andy cohen, "oh, yeah, that's what andy cohen is like. he's just giving us andy cohen, night after night." >> i'm giving you-- i am serving it. >> stephen: you keep giving. >> yes! >> stephen: you keep giving. but you've been giving people andy cohen since you were a little boy. i'd like to have you do something here. >> what do you have? >> stephen: we pulled a series of, you-- you published a series of letters that you wrote to your mom from camp. >> yes, my camp letters from camp nebagamon, in lake nebagamon, wisconsin. >> stephen: how old were you when you were writing these? >> anywhere from, like, nine to
>> stephen: this is you as a boy writing from camp to your mom. would you give us a little taste of the early indications of what andy cohen would be like. >> okay. >> stephen: those are letters to your mom. >> dear mom and dad, today is the first day of camp. i hate going on planes. i threw up on the plane. boy, was i sick. i don't like this camp so much, but i've only been here four hours. ( laughter ) don't show my letters to anyone. listen to this saying, "when you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not. when you're on the pot, you give it everything you've got." i've got to go to bed. love, andy. >> stephen: nice, nice, nice. ( applause ) >> another? dear mom and dad, i'm about to kill this camp! i flunked the canoeing test four times and i'm afraid to death to do it. you have to row out and tip the canoe over your head! i am frozen now! the canoe guy says i have to come back tomorrow, and i'm really scared. please send me stamps and comics.
laughter ) i'm getting a little verklempt. good; we're getting to the emotionality. >> dear mom and dad, today i listened to the royal wedding from 5:30 to 8:00 on the radio, and then saw an update about it and saw lady di and charles get married on tv. please save the "time magazine" and the "life magazine" for me. if you still have the "globe" or the "post," save that for me, too. jodi saved me a clipping from the desert who had to drink their own urine. ) applause ) oh, so now comes the housewives- y part. dear mom and dad, i just got back from ted's cabin. i am steaming mad. either you or one of the arkins told mrs. k. or nancy that i told you that teddy was homesick. teddy told me that his mom wrote him a letter and said andy told the cohens that you were homesick!
i was red! i had to deny saying that. do you know how hard that is? keep your mouth shut! love, andy. ( cheers and applause ) this one? okay. to mom and dad, see "grease," for crying out loud! see it. "grease" is a good movie, so see it. don't read this letter to anyone, love andy. >> stephen: read this letter to everyone. >> exactly. >> stephen: the book is called "andy cohen diaries." the show is "then and now with andy cohen." that's andy! andy cohen! ( cheers and applause
) >> stephen: it's nice to see you. thanks for being here. >> it's great to be here. >> stephen: i feel like we're about to go to the beach in your floppy hat. thank you for wearing it. you with three-time grammy award winning singer-songwriter. >> isn't that boring. >> stephen: it's not boring. what are you talking about? that's impressive. >> you would think i should have a variety of songs for those awards. >> stephen: you do. you nailed it all down in one, there. obviously everybody knows you from "so you're so vain." >> that one. >> stephen: i'm sure people ask you all the time who "you're so vain" is about, i'm not going to ask you. >> clever of you. >> stephen: do you know "who let the dogs out, who?" do you know that one? get back to me on that one. you have a new memoir. the memoir is called "boys in the trees." why "boys in the trees?"
why are they up in trees? are they trying to get away from you? ( laughter ) >> i wrote a song in 1979 called "boys in the trees" and it became the title of the album, and it was really about the question of, do you go to them, or do you let them come to you? >> stephen: what's the answer? >> the answer is, i don't know. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i haven't figured it out. >> stephen: was the book an attempt to figure that out? >> yes. >> stephen: there are different reasons to write memoirs. sometimes we write memoirs or write books to set the record straight and sometimes it's to find out things about ourselves. >> how many have you written? >> stephen: i have written several about an old character i used to do. about myself, nothing yet. >> it's hard. it's hard. this took me four years to write. >> stephen: it's very-- you're very open, very personal. you talk about early sexual experience. you talk about a sort of distant relationship you had with your father. you talk about your own insecurities.
maybe don't write this book? >> i don't think i would have written it until i got to the vast old age of, whatever i was when i started it. because you have to accumulate experience and the way you process it. and i wanted to find out more. in fact, it was a way of processing the information, was to write it down and see what it looked like on paper and to see what i-- it brought forth as i was writing it. and it was very emotional. it was extremely, you know-- it took a lot out of me. there were some nights i just made everybody in my house mad and upset. and i started stammering again. i used to have a very bad stammer when i was a child. i began to stammer again and i was very self-conscious about it. >> stephen: really, from writing a book? when you were writing about childhood memories the stammer came back? >> yes. when i went to school, i could never raise my hand, even if i knew the answer to something the teacher was asking, because i was afraid it would be halted,
the arc of the answer because i would stammer and it wouldn't come through the way i wanted it to. >> stephen: and that came back when you were writing about it? >> stephen: is it still with you? >> now and then, but you've made it very easy for me to talk, for some reason. it's flowing through me. maybe it's looking through the ( applause ) >> stephen: you had a relationship, you were married for many years, to james taylor. and james was just on the show the other night. >> yes, i saw him. >> stephen: did you like our rewrite of "fire and rain?" >> yes, it was hysterical. >> stephen: you say his music gave you grace. what does that mean? how is music a safe haven? >> it didn't give me grace all the time, but he taught me so much about music, and when we sang together, that was-- that was the perfect coming together of, like, a perfect forth. if his note was the c-sharp, mine was the "f-"sharp. and those were our two perfect notes and when we sang them,
that, to me, felt like inside the inside of a beautiful cathedral, and the harmonies just drifted up and just melded together in a very graceful and grace-giving way. >> stephen: is that literally what you mean, or is that just a giant metaphor, what you just gave me? ( laughter ) because it's pretty either way. i just want to make sure that the cathedral you're talking about was actually someplace you were singing? >> it was the sky. >> stephen: the cathedral was the sky? >> it was the sky, yes. >> stephen: who is your favorite person to have sung with over the years? >> oh, my kids. >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> my kids, and james. >> stephen: well, your son ben and your daughter sally are here tonight, aren't they? >> yes, they are. >> stephen: they're going to sing a song with you in just a minute. >> yes. >> stephen: and you said also with james. did you have a favorite song to
>> i guess-- i don't know. what's-- what's your favorite? >> stephen: well, i mean, i know you guys did "mockingbird" together. >> oh, well that was an inez and charlie foxx replay. >> stephen: oh really, but you guys did your own version of it? >> yes, we tried our best. james was really-- it was wonderful. >> stephen: can we try it? can we try it? >> oh no, no no. >> stephen: no? can we try it, please? >> oh, my god! do you know it? >> jon: yeah, i got that one. >> stephen: do you mind? >> go ahead. go ahead. >> stephen: i don't really know it. >> go ahead. if you're really-- >> stephen: i don't really know it that well. >> if you're really-- >> stephen: but i really like the song. it's just i've got you here. if you're looking for somebody with that carly simon feeling, really, carly simon is the one you want to do it with. ( laughs ) really? you want to try it? what's the note? can you-- >> jon: that's it right there? >> stephen: mmmh... mock >> yeah! >> stephen: king >> yeah! >> stephen: bird >> yeah >> stephen: yeah! >> yeah >> mockingbird >>
he's gonna buy me a mockingbird and if that mockingbird won't sing he's gonna buy me a diamond ring and if that diamond ring won't shine he's gonna surely break this heart of mine and that's why i keep on tellin' ev'rybody, sayin' wo, wo, wo, wo, wo hear me now and understand he's gonna find me some peace of mind and if that peace of mind won't stay, i'm gonna find myself a better way and if that better way ain't so i'll ride with the tide and go with the flow and that's why i keep on
wo, wo, wo, wo, wo mockingbird! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! you're very very good! i was in and out of there. i was in and out of there. "boys in trees" and the companion cd, "songs in the trees," are available right now. we'll be right back with carly simon performance. ( band playing
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